my nagging mum.

Being a mom myself, I am finally able to see why and how I made my mum's life M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E this past decade.

 

Heidi is 1 (holy cow!). While that, in and of itself is amazing to me still, one month later... I can't even imagine her being 2...let alone 20+. I have spent the past 13 months worrying. While the things I worry about have changed daily, one thing is constant. I WILL WORRY TODAY.

A quick peek into the past 13 months in my brain:

"She hasn't cried in 4 minutes, is she still breathing? Is this 2 foot scar across my stomach ever  going to stop itching? Is she eating enough? Is she eating too much? Is breastfeeding always going to feel like a full time job with overtime that I just can't seem to be successful at or comfortable with? Is she warm enough? Is she too hot? Is she still breathing? Will I ever smell like anything but baby puke? Will Hunter ever like her? Will she be smart? Will she like me when she is older? Is she still breathing? Why am I crying more than she is after her shots every single appointment? Do other parents get this frustrated? Should she have a schedule? Can I fit any more pairs of leggings into her dresser? Can we buy a new dresser JUST for leggings? Did I really just say that? Will she ever sleep more than 4 hours in a row? Is she still breathing in there? Is it worth the risk of waking her just to steal a kiss before work? Is it too much stress for my dad to watch her? Is the basement door closed? When do I take away the binky? Crap, I forgot the high chair cover, do I risk her contracting SARS from the last kid in the high chair at panera, or do we cancel our order and go about our business hungry? And of course, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, is she still breathing? I can't tell. The way she is laying, it is hard to see her in the monitor..."

I have always been a bit of a "worrier" in this life, but I never knew how much you worry about your child. It is truly like they are walking around with your heart. It is outside of your body, in theirs, and when you are not with them, you are constantly wondering how they are. Do they need you? Do they want you? Are they happy? Are they behaving? Do they know how much I love them? I wish I had even a pinch of this perspective in my early 20's...

Just ask my mom...the woman who wouldn't leave me alone. The woman who called in the middle of the night to check up on me when I was out late with my hometown friends I hadn't seen in a few months. Man, that woman never stopped. Always on my case about what I was doing and who I was doing it with. Didn't she know I was fine? Didn't she know I needed space? Didn't she know I was a good person? Didn't she know that I was still a virgin? The ONE & ONLY 25 year old virgin alive? Didn't she know how independent I was? Didn't she know I knew more than she did?

About to look back on my "twenties" from a new view in my much wiser "thirties," I wish I would have seen those calls as what they really were-unconditional love. Love for a bratty know-it-all staying out later than acceptable. Love and worry that her "smart, fearless, night owl virgin" was safe. She never gave up on calling me. She even tried texting in my later twenties, when I was too cool to answer. I know it took her 40 minutes to type "U OK?" into her phone and figure out how to send it to me, and not the other 14 people in her contact list. I love you for that, mom. I have always loved you for that. Even your complete lack of 21st century technology and the ability to answer your phone without pushing a half dozen unnecessary buttons to answer a phone call that has already been answered...JUST SAY HELLO. STOP PUSHING ALL THE BUTTONS! hahahaha

Pappap, H, and Nana on vacation!

I love you, mom. You have made the past 30 years of my life something to be proud of. I am proud of who I am and the life that I lead. I am so grateful to you for that. I see so much of you in who I am. I have heard before that in parenting "it is the one who you butt heads with the most that ends up being the most like you." I am emensely sorry for the "butthead" I sometimes was the past 10 years. I know that because of who you are, you don't care about those years anymore. But I want you to know that you are my very best friend. You have been for years. (Pretty much my whole life, actually). You have been there for me in ways and in times that no one else ever could. Thank you for bringing me into this world and giving me everything you possibly could. Not everything I ever wanted, but the things that matter the absolute most. I am a good mom because you taught me how to be one. I have a stronger faith because you taught me that faith is a living thing. If it isn't growing, it is dying. I can't thank you enough for that. Heidi is lucky to have a nana even more wonderful than MY nana was! Thanks for being our rock. I love you. Let's be honest, to know you is to love you.

Nana's girls

around the corner...

I cannot believe my baby girl is going to be one in just six short weeks. I honestly cannot wrap my mind around it. This past year has been full of so much life. Wonderful, stressful, ever-changing, fast paced, beautiful life. I am so grateful to God for blessing our family with undoubtedly the most easy-going, gorgeous, lovable pumpkin possible.

 

Just a little of the past 2 weeks of my life in pictures. I can't imagine how life could get any sweeter...but she & God continue to surprise me every single day!

 

Life is good. God provides. I am one lucky mama.

overwhelmed...in a good way.

This past weekend is always one of my favorites of the year. All the people I care about most getting together and working their tails off for a cause that has affected my family (and many of theirs also) so much. Cancer is a word the Schaar family has heard too much in the past 12 years. It seems like more people I love have it than don't. It is scary. It is painful. It is tragic. It is, however, life.

I have learned, as much as I can, to live with it. To see the good sides, as well as the overwhelmingly bad, and to absolutely cherish everday moments and hold memories close to my heart. Between the pain and frustration, we have always found reasons to smile. We have stuck together and fought as a team. We never leave the sides of those we love.

Through the times of sobbing in the shower, tears streaming down my face in the car at a song that reminds me of my dad, and shifting in an uncomfortable hospital chair being scared and feeling the weight of the world, I also, more often remember the times my friends showed up at my dad's hospital bed. I remember the nights they came to relays of the past and present, drove across states, walked countless laps, and gave moving donations in honor and support of my parents. The calls and texts that pour in each month just checking up on him and the rest of my family. I think a person is lucky to have one friend that caring and selfless. I have several.

Through the years, I have watched their own families suffer through cancer diagnosis and hard times of their own. They have hugged me and cried with me while my parents have walked that track hand in hand for the survivor lap together, they have been the kind of friends that everyone wishes they could have. I have ABSOLUTELY AMAZING FRIENDS. I thank God for them every. single. day.

Here is to another year of great friends by my side. My life is so full and wonderful because of you. My heart is overwhelmed so often becuase of you. I am lucky. So extremely lucky.

Mother's Day

This Sunday will be my first official "Mother's Day". I can't explain how emotional this makes me. First and foremost, I am so thrilled to be a mom. It is something I have longed for since being a little girl. I thought I would know what I was getting into, but I was so wrong. I got so much more than I could have imagined when Heidi burst into my life...all 9 lbs of her.

happy girl

The ache I feel everytime I leave her in the morning to go to work. The anxiety and restlessness I feel during that hour ride home, knowing I will see her and hold her and squeeze her in moments. The helplessness I still feel when she is trying to figure something out, and gets frustrated. The way my heart literally melts inside of me when she is falling asleep in my arms, patting my my leg, and singing to herself. The excitement I feel for days when she learns something new or babbles a word that sounds anything like "mama"...she is the most precious gift in the world. I am the luckiest mom on earth.

Mother's Day also reminds me of all the great and wonderful moms that I miss so much, especially my nana. She was without a doubt the STRONGEST woman I have ever known, but still the most gentle when it was needed. She raised the most amazing woman on earth, and I can't imagine for one second what it would be like to not have my mom there to talk to, ask advice, sneak a hug, or sit and watch her with my little girl. It is an unbelieveable feeling, and one that I fear I take for granted far too much. When it comes down to it...I need my mom more now than I ever did. There's nothing scarier to me than the thought that it is possible that one day she might not be there. I am finally wise enough to cherish every. single. moment.

To all of those that I know without moms this year (there are 2 in particular I just can't stop thinking about), my heart is with you. I can't imagine how hard this Sunday will be. I can't imagine how hard EVERYDAY is. You are stronger girls than I, and I hope you know that your moms were wonderful. They loved you with all of their hearts and cared for you more than anyone else ever could. (I finally know what that kind of love is like). I love you both. I am here for you both. I know it's not the same. It couldn't be. But moms don't leave us, they are always here...that kind of love doesn't go away.

i love you, nana

I love you, mom. Heidi loves you too.

DATE NIGHT!!

i am so incredibly excited to spend an evening with just adam. just me & the man i love so much spending good, quality, much needed time together. no one makes me laugh the way he does. no one has the patience for me that he does. he is my favorite company. i am also excited that we are doing something we both used to love & haven't done in a long time...

making pottery.

we've talked about it for months...and tonight we are going to katie's clay studio to see what we remember (more like what we forget i'm sure), but i cannot wait! here's to the start of a great weekend! life is good.

i love you with all of my heart, adam. forever.

quick rant...

as the weather is finally getting warmer, i am reminded of all of the beauty that this world holds. i do love having 4 seasons, but with that comes some things i could do without...and here they are, in random order, with the exception of #1...

trash. if you know me well, you know my #1 pet peeve in all of humanity is littering. people that litter disgust me. the sides of the highway, intersections, the trash from all the winter months just adds up. do people think their trash is just going to melt away like the snow? it makes me sick to my stomach seeing how horrible people are to our environment. just awful. and ps-cigarette butts are garbage too.

earthworms. ok, i don't per say hate earthworms themselves, but i hate the way they come out when it rains and get smashed all over the road and sidewalk...and the smell...that smell makes me gag instantly. i had a hypersensitivity to smells the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy, then it went away. for some reason, i have always been extrememly sensitive to the smell of earthworms. yuck!

bubba from star 100.7. his voice. everything he says. his laugh. his personality. i am not a fan of too many radio dj's in general, but i cannot listen to their show solely because of him. he makes my skin crawl.

drunk drivers. i don't care if you had 2 drinks. i don't care if you had 20, please don't drive. what is it with people thinking they can do whatever they want without thinking about anyone else? i have spent the last 5 years of my life not drinking because my husband likes to have a few beers when we go out with friends or go to a wedding. i have drank water or pop every. single. time. i haven't missed out on anything, i havent't felt like i wasn't included or one of the group because i didn't drink. and the nice part? i also haven't had a hangover for 5 years! the last night i drank was my bachelorette party. i am ok with that. i am an adult.
i have seen firsthand what driving drunk can do to families. imagine someone else's bad decision taking away your mother, your sister, your child...permanently? no amount of alcohol is worth it.

political posts/rants on facebook. i joined facebook in college because it was the thing to do. and i can tell you with 100% certainty that i would not have an account today if it weren't for so many of my dear friends moving across the country. fb makes it so much easier to keep in touch! i can't tell you how much i love to log on in the morning and see their pictures from the weekend pop up. it makes my day better....but what i cannot stand are the political posts, the fighting, the opinionated morons that actually argue with one another on there. i have deleted friends, but it is impossible to get rid of...ugh...fb is a blessing and a curse.

people that pull out in front of you and then go 10 mph under the speed limit. no explanation needed.

sometimes, i get so frustrated at the way people treat our environment and others, it drives me nuts. sometimes, i just need to rant to feel better about it. and i do feel better. just needed to get it off my chest. thanks for listening!

6 months.

that's right. my girl has hit her 6 month milestone. with it, came teeth, lots of rolling and floor scooting, and now FOOD! real honest-to-goodness food!! the moment we have all been waiting for...

so of course, right after her doctor appointment, i made adam run to the store to get some peas, sweet potatoes, and bananas so mommy could FINALLY use the NINJA she bought 2 years ago and never found a use for...first i made the peas. i made 12 containers of them. i was so confident that she would love them...boy, was i wrong. she actually gagged after the second spoonful. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so i laughed.

just hanging out in the recliner

heidi always teaches me that i have no idea what i am doing, but it is the greatest, most rewarding learning experience of my life. last night, when she gave me the stink eye and rejected my homemade baby food, i looked up at adam, who was laughing harder than usual. at that moment, i realized -more so than ever- how wonderful heidi has made our lives.

of course i love my girl, and i have always loved ad, but i love him in so many different ways now, for so many different reasons. he is the most amazing, patient, loving, doting dad to our cricket. he has amazing parenting instincts that i think even surprise HIM. he makes parenting seem easy. (jerk!) haha

 

well, at the doctor, she weighed in at just over 17 lbs, is longer than 26" and has one giant head (91%ile). i love how all the doctors in the practice we take her to marvel at all of her facial expressions and her ability to charm you in only the first moments of meeting her. they always tell us what a wonderful job we are doing (and sometimes, i really do need to hear that), and they seem to really enjoy her curiosity when examining her. i love how they genuinely care about her and about adam and me. i think we picked the right place to take her!

@ the doctors before my shots...tough girl.

6 months used to seem like such a long time to me. not anymore. these next 6 better take their sweet ol' time, because i am NOT ready to plan a 1st birthday for my girl yet. i want to savor our first summer together, our first summer as a family. i can't even imagine what is in store for us!

favorite things:

• eating
• her jump zoo
• being outside
• watching the cars on our street at night from the front porch
• roxanne kisses
• her green polka dot blanket at naptime & bedtime
• her toes

truth.

I read the most perfect quote today. I have heard it before, and I have always liked it, but these days, it really hits home. Happy to share:

It is so true it sends chills down my spine. I have such great friends to remind me what life is really about. I hope you do as well.

Holy Blessings!

the season of lent has always made me sad in general. i cry every single year at the good friday service. even though i know the outcome, and i know the magnitude of the gift, and most importantly, i know the importance and love behind it, it just makes me sad that we, as humans still don't get it. the things people do to one another, the things people do to themselves, the things we all take for granted and the countless sinful ways of life we are all guilty of day in and day out...it is hard to see the direction the world is taking and the hate in so many hearts. i wonder how long it can go on before we destroy everything we have been given...

sometimes, life gets hard. i have been trying extra hard these days not to let things overwhelm me and to appreciate all of the wonderful blessings i have been given in this life. holy week certainly crept up on me this year...and i can't stop thinking about all i have these days. i guess it is perfect timing, what with the most perfect gift in history being celebrated in just a few days...

first week of the rest of our lives...

obviously, the most amazing gift in my life has been miss heidi. sometimes i forget how fortunate we are to have such a happy, healthy, smart, beautiful, perfect little baby. she completes our family and adds more joy to our lives than i knew there was room for! even in my most tired, exhausted, impatient moment, i can't help but kiss her forehead and tell her how much i love her.

my big girl giving hugs

here are some pics of our girl through the past amazing 5.5 months...









she has made me realize what really matters in life. i see life through different eyes now. i see who i want to be and how proud i hope she is of me one day. life is quite the journey. love is the destination. i am home.

happy birthday

i posted this on 3/15, but i guess it never posted officially. oops!

to my true love.

thank you for putting up with my moods, my impatience, my committing to EVERYTHING, my habitual lateness, my messiness, my lack of common sense, my clumsiness...my EVERYTHING.

 

thank you for loving me through all of our ups & downs.

thank you for being you.

thank you for being perfect for me.

9 years old? really?

this year, i decided to do things a little different for birthdays. i want to spend more time with my little nieces and nephews. things are things, but memories are forever! i came up with a few things i thought each of them would enjoy. emma's birthday was first, so she went first.

we went to paint monkey in lawrenceville. just ee and emma. i was actually kind of nervous to take her. it was going to be 3 hours of painting in a studio of adults in a strange place...i wondered if she would get bored? would she like it? would she be too shy? would this be the worst birthday present of her life?

we got some candy and an icee (with all of the flavors mixed together, of course) on the way down and emma read a library book to me the whole way. (she is an amazing reader, btw). when we got there, i knew she would be the youngest in the class, but i didn't realize she would be the youngest EVER to participate in PAINT YOUR PET night.

busy artist @ work

 

 

 

i feel like any other 9 year old would have been so nervous, but not emma. (at least, if she was, she didn't show it). she painted roxanne like she had been painting on canvas her whole life. i was so proud, i held back tears most of the night. i wasn't even so proud of her art work (i KNEW she was a fine artist long before i signed us up for the class), i was so proud of the little lady she has become.

could it look anymore like roxanne?

she was mature, and funny, and took the owner's advice on techniques and took her time. she was patient and polite. it was such a fine night...one of my favorite spent with emma in so long. it was so great to be with emma. just emma. just  emma and her ee who loves her so much it hurts.

proud aunt & talented niece

if emma had even a fraction of the fun that i had, i would say it was a pretty great 9th birthday for her!

up next...ava @ katie's clay studio then logan & garrett @ sportsworks!

bucket list

i have always had one.

some of the things on the list have changed as i have gotten older. some of the things i have been blessed enough to be able to cross off.

for example, dance with my dad at my wedding. #1 on my list since I was 11 years old. Crossed off 15 years later...

there are so many things i want to accomplish in life, for myself and for my family. sometimes i feel like i am settling with the way things are...with where i am at... but every once in awhile, i pull out my list and decide to work on one of the numbers.

my mom actually reminded me of this (by accident) last week. she reminds me that i am talented and can do more than i give myself credit for. how many people are lucky enough to have a mom like that?

so i have decided. it is time to cross another item off of my list. even if it doesn't end up the way i plan, i need to try. if not for me, for the one who believes in me when i don't believe in myself. for the one who loves me win or lose, laughing or crying, happy or sad, moody or nice. this one will be for you, mom. and i will give it my all!

5 months already?

i just have to write a little bit more today because time allows...

there have been so many firsts happening in our home lately! most of them are wonderful and exciting, but there are a few that i could do without...

cereal!

praise the Lord, cereal has arrived...and it is a wonderful thing. miss Heidi loves it most of the time and it has made sleepness nights fewer & farther between (thank goodness!) usually, she gets to eat it with a spoon for dinner (the messiest, craziest, most wonderful experience of parenthood thus far), but for bedtime she gets some mixed into her bottle and. . . drumroll, please . . .she normally only wakes up once per night now!

watching her learn how to use a spoon is mindblowing. she is just the smartest baby on the planet. i can't imagine how hard it must be, but she makes it seem so easy. our only problem is that it is just too slow for my oh-so-hungry girl. she can't help but grab the spoon and shove it in as far as she can. her appetite is as big as her cheeks!

feet!

my cricket has discovered her beautiful little tootsies this week. she has been grabbing them left & right and pulling herself over with them. she is becoming so much more mobile all on her own . . .not sure that i like all this growing she is doing before my eyes. . . i know all parents say that, but Heidi is living proof of the truth behind the saying!

nerd alert!

it seems we have a little book worm on our hands. my sweet thing loves books. she loves to turn the pages and then turn them back, and then turn them again. and once she has gone through the book a couple of times, the only natural thing left to do is to eat it.

 

busy reading

i'd rather just eat it...

 

splish splash...

she is lovin her bath! there is one MAJOR difference between Heidi & my fur baby, Hunter. Heidi is starting to LOVE bath time. she splashes and giggles and is finally not scared of the water or the soap. it is still kind of hard to master giving her a bath alone because she is so "slippery when wet," but it is a fun family activity (at least i THINK adam finds it fun).

happy girl

 

on the other side of things, if i use the term "bath" in Hunter's earshot, I cannot find him for the rest of the night. He is off to a room as far away from "us humans" as possible.

screams!!!!

Heidi has also discovered that she can scream louder than a car load of frightened riders on a roller coaster. at first, i thought it was the cutest thing on earth. the screams were funny and new. now the screams are constant and ear piercing. she has also been singing to herself and talking in her own language, and she loves to hear herself make sounds, i am just hoping the screaming tones itself down a little, before we all lose our marbles at home!

 

life really couldn't be any better. every day is a great new adventure. i am so glad i have such wonderful people to share it with. until next time. . .

my most favorite place

...with my most favorite people. we went to the zoo last weekend. the weather could have been a bit warmer for my liking, but the chill in the air kept the crowd down, so i can't complain.

i have loved the zoo so much...ever since i was little. everything about it. the sights, sounds, even the smells. my imagination runs wild thinking about the animals...wondering if they have ever lived in the wild, if they think humans staring at them is weird, if they like where they are...how old are they? do they miss their family? what do they do when it rains/snows? i think of a million things. my head actually hurts on the way home most of the time...but it's a good kind of headache.

just peekin' out through my warm blanket, ma!

heidi was less interested than i thought she would be. she is so attentive to everything going on around her, and she did look at the animals, but she seemed more cautious than usual. either way, it was a wonderful day. i love being with adam, and i especially love when all 3 of us can be together doing something fun! our zoo trip couldn't have come at a better time. it's JUST what i needed!

just me & my girl