my nagging mum.

Being a mom myself, I am finally able to see why and how I made my mum's life M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E this past decade.

 

Heidi is 1 (holy cow!). While that, in and of itself is amazing to me still, one month later... I can't even imagine her being 2...let alone 20+. I have spent the past 13 months worrying. While the things I worry about have changed daily, one thing is constant. I WILL WORRY TODAY.

A quick peek into the past 13 months in my brain:

"She hasn't cried in 4 minutes, is she still breathing? Is this 2 foot scar across my stomach ever  going to stop itching? Is she eating enough? Is she eating too much? Is breastfeeding always going to feel like a full time job with overtime that I just can't seem to be successful at or comfortable with? Is she warm enough? Is she too hot? Is she still breathing? Will I ever smell like anything but baby puke? Will Hunter ever like her? Will she be smart? Will she like me when she is older? Is she still breathing? Why am I crying more than she is after her shots every single appointment? Do other parents get this frustrated? Should she have a schedule? Can I fit any more pairs of leggings into her dresser? Can we buy a new dresser JUST for leggings? Did I really just say that? Will she ever sleep more than 4 hours in a row? Is she still breathing in there? Is it worth the risk of waking her just to steal a kiss before work? Is it too much stress for my dad to watch her? Is the basement door closed? When do I take away the binky? Crap, I forgot the high chair cover, do I risk her contracting SARS from the last kid in the high chair at panera, or do we cancel our order and go about our business hungry? And of course, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, is she still breathing? I can't tell. The way she is laying, it is hard to see her in the monitor..."

I have always been a bit of a "worrier" in this life, but I never knew how much you worry about your child. It is truly like they are walking around with your heart. It is outside of your body, in theirs, and when you are not with them, you are constantly wondering how they are. Do they need you? Do they want you? Are they happy? Are they behaving? Do they know how much I love them? I wish I had even a pinch of this perspective in my early 20's...

Just ask my mom...the woman who wouldn't leave me alone. The woman who called in the middle of the night to check up on me when I was out late with my hometown friends I hadn't seen in a few months. Man, that woman never stopped. Always on my case about what I was doing and who I was doing it with. Didn't she know I was fine? Didn't she know I needed space? Didn't she know I was a good person? Didn't she know that I was still a virgin? The ONE & ONLY 25 year old virgin alive? Didn't she know how independent I was? Didn't she know I knew more than she did?

About to look back on my "twenties" from a new view in my much wiser "thirties," I wish I would have seen those calls as what they really were-unconditional love. Love for a bratty know-it-all staying out later than acceptable. Love and worry that her "smart, fearless, night owl virgin" was safe. She never gave up on calling me. She even tried texting in my later twenties, when I was too cool to answer. I know it took her 40 minutes to type "U OK?" into her phone and figure out how to send it to me, and not the other 14 people in her contact list. I love you for that, mom. I have always loved you for that. Even your complete lack of 21st century technology and the ability to answer your phone without pushing a half dozen unnecessary buttons to answer a phone call that has already been answered...JUST SAY HELLO. STOP PUSHING ALL THE BUTTONS! hahahaha

Pappap, H, and Nana on vacation!

I love you, mom. You have made the past 30 years of my life something to be proud of. I am proud of who I am and the life that I lead. I am so grateful to you for that. I see so much of you in who I am. I have heard before that in parenting "it is the one who you butt heads with the most that ends up being the most like you." I am emensely sorry for the "butthead" I sometimes was the past 10 years. I know that because of who you are, you don't care about those years anymore. But I want you to know that you are my very best friend. You have been for years. (Pretty much my whole life, actually). You have been there for me in ways and in times that no one else ever could. Thank you for bringing me into this world and giving me everything you possibly could. Not everything I ever wanted, but the things that matter the absolute most. I am a good mom because you taught me how to be one. I have a stronger faith because you taught me that faith is a living thing. If it isn't growing, it is dying. I can't thank you enough for that. Heidi is lucky to have a nana even more wonderful than MY nana was! Thanks for being our rock. I love you. Let's be honest, to know you is to love you.

Nana's girls