overwhelmed...in a good way.

This past weekend is always one of my favorites of the year. All the people I care about most getting together and working their tails off for a cause that has affected my family (and many of theirs also) so much. Cancer is a word the Schaar family has heard too much in the past 12 years. It seems like more people I love have it than don't. It is scary. It is painful. It is tragic. It is, however, life.

I have learned, as much as I can, to live with it. To see the good sides, as well as the overwhelmingly bad, and to absolutely cherish everday moments and hold memories close to my heart. Between the pain and frustration, we have always found reasons to smile. We have stuck together and fought as a team. We never leave the sides of those we love.

Through the times of sobbing in the shower, tears streaming down my face in the car at a song that reminds me of my dad, and shifting in an uncomfortable hospital chair being scared and feeling the weight of the world, I also, more often remember the times my friends showed up at my dad's hospital bed. I remember the nights they came to relays of the past and present, drove across states, walked countless laps, and gave moving donations in honor and support of my parents. The calls and texts that pour in each month just checking up on him and the rest of my family. I think a person is lucky to have one friend that caring and selfless. I have several.

Through the years, I have watched their own families suffer through cancer diagnosis and hard times of their own. They have hugged me and cried with me while my parents have walked that track hand in hand for the survivor lap together, they have been the kind of friends that everyone wishes they could have. I have ABSOLUTELY AMAZING FRIENDS. I thank God for them every. single. day.

Here is to another year of great friends by my side. My life is so full and wonderful because of you. My heart is overwhelmed so often becuase of you. I am lucky. So extremely lucky.

Mother's Day

This Sunday will be my first official "Mother's Day". I can't explain how emotional this makes me. First and foremost, I am so thrilled to be a mom. It is something I have longed for since being a little girl. I thought I would know what I was getting into, but I was so wrong. I got so much more than I could have imagined when Heidi burst into my life...all 9 lbs of her.

happy girl

The ache I feel everytime I leave her in the morning to go to work. The anxiety and restlessness I feel during that hour ride home, knowing I will see her and hold her and squeeze her in moments. The helplessness I still feel when she is trying to figure something out, and gets frustrated. The way my heart literally melts inside of me when she is falling asleep in my arms, patting my my leg, and singing to herself. The excitement I feel for days when she learns something new or babbles a word that sounds anything like "mama"...she is the most precious gift in the world. I am the luckiest mom on earth.

Mother's Day also reminds me of all the great and wonderful moms that I miss so much, especially my nana. She was without a doubt the STRONGEST woman I have ever known, but still the most gentle when it was needed. She raised the most amazing woman on earth, and I can't imagine for one second what it would be like to not have my mom there to talk to, ask advice, sneak a hug, or sit and watch her with my little girl. It is an unbelieveable feeling, and one that I fear I take for granted far too much. When it comes down to it...I need my mom more now than I ever did. There's nothing scarier to me than the thought that it is possible that one day she might not be there. I am finally wise enough to cherish every. single. moment.

To all of those that I know without moms this year (there are 2 in particular I just can't stop thinking about), my heart is with you. I can't imagine how hard this Sunday will be. I can't imagine how hard EVERYDAY is. You are stronger girls than I, and I hope you know that your moms were wonderful. They loved you with all of their hearts and cared for you more than anyone else ever could. (I finally know what that kind of love is like). I love you both. I am here for you both. I know it's not the same. It couldn't be. But moms don't leave us, they are always here...that kind of love doesn't go away.

i love you, nana

I love you, mom. Heidi loves you too.